Monday, 26 December 2011

Boxing day

Well I haven't posted in a few days... Been either busy or too down!

These last few days have given me a revelation that my family are actually pathetic, I don't have much of one at all... My dad seems to have a grudge against me and my mum thinks I do most things wrong.

But why do I still care about them ? It's ridiculous I wish you could turn emotion on and off, life would be ten times easier.

Anyway, I got about 3 cards all together which is thoroughly disheartening and the same number in presents but I don't expect much any-more!

I've decided its best if I head back to London as it is where I want to go to university if I am absolutely fabulous at my audition! So I will make myself work!

Drama is something that comes naturally to me and turning into different characters is something that comes so easily to me. As I seem to change my appearance every other day, I now have blue/green hair.
Becoming someone else makes me happy as most days I try and forget about my troubles but its easier said than done.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas!

I spent the day with my boyfriends family and it was nice to see a traditional family in action...
Made me think very hard about mine though!

I'm still not sure about my modern monologue though so if anyone has any suggestions about any recent plays that are excellent give me a buzz!


Monday, 19 December 2011

19th of December 2011

Well its nearing Christmas time once again , this year has gone too fast!  It's hard to believe I got my A-level results this year and now I'm bored and jobless! Hooray.

Again I have 0 money , but I'm decisively happy at the moment anyway. No idea why...
No money, No family , No cards and I'm expecting no presents, but you know, I have my life and all that jazz...

Back to a cheerier note... Oh wait never mind !

Determined like everyone else to start fresh this new year... I obviously say this every year and nothing comes about ! But getting me and my life back on track needs to be done!
Starting this blog was one thing I did to get my routine back , and so far I have updated nearly everyday which is a massive start for me!
As the book on 'solving depression' said you need to do things 'step by step' and 'little by little' , one way to feel patronised ? That is a major pet hate of mine , feeling patronised or made to feel stupid...
I didn't get the best ever A-level results mainly due to personal issues happening outside of college, but I do not believe I am in the 70+% of people on job seekers who have no chance of getting a job because of their lack of common knowledge and lets face it common sense.
Intelligence and Intellect are judged in different ways according to the person and their educated background and hobbies outside there academic career.

Anyway rant over; in simple terms I hate being called stupid because I am not!


Sunday, 18 December 2011


Well , the plan went off without a hitch and whilst waiting for my friend I managed to take some interesting pictures of the park lake. (posted in photography)

Whilst at the library we sat to write but instead we read many interesting books, one on solving depression which basically explained that most people in England must be diagnosed with depression because they do not want to get out of bed in the mornings....
Well I think we know what to do about that.
Also whilst I was walking around the library looking for books a homeless guy , who had quite a pungent odour, followed me.. trying to be subtle but did not succeed. Very scary. Obviously harmless but never the less creepy.
I read a number of books , one on depression, photography, Kafka and Shakespeare. Whilst reading about Kafka who was the major influence in one of Steven Berkoff's plays "Metamorphosis" which is a play I studied at AS level , I came to wonder how someone so crazy could be one of the greatest influences in the dramatic world... Then I thought what influence in the artistic world does not have a hint of craziness about them ?
Now I realise I am safe in this artistic world and hopefully one day I will fit in perfectly with the amazing influences.

Anyway , back to my day... I went shopping but was mainly unsuccessful in buying presents for other people...but I managed to buy one which I hope was a good choice... I suppose I'm being lazy in not personalising my presents more, but hopefully I will be able to do this in this last week before "the big day" ha.

I had a few drinks at night that's why this blog has been delayed! This cheered me up and I met loads of old friends during the night!

Lazy day today! Hooray.


Saturday, 17 December 2011


Well the plan today is to go to the library with a friend and then into the local town to go Christmas shopping, not buying a lot , that is the plan anyway! 

Going to do some reading and writing in a proper library , excited. 

Wish me luck ! hope today goes well , I will update you later on.

Friday, 16 December 2011


Woke up today, it was snowing !

A nice yet surprising turn of events, I thought it would stop the day from taking place but then I thought what a great opportunity to take some awesome pictures!

Woke up and got the jobs done that needed to be done, went for lunch and then whilst at the local hospital I took some snowy pictures... thought it might help me get into the Christmas spirit I am still lacking...

However now I have money I can focus on getting all the presents I still need to buy and making the day as thoughtful as possible. Looks like I will be staying in my home town for Christmas and spend it with my boyfriend and his family.
However sad it may seem this excites me so much more than travelling back to London. Having that perfect day where everyone is happy and excited to be around each other. Even just saying this puts a massive smile on my face. Guilt plays on my mind for my mother and sister being in London and I am here , but I feel this is better for me.

On another topic I was thinking about acting and how to practice. Everyday we act, whether its putting a face on for a new acquittance or for a situation like a new birth or death. Emotions source everything we do including acting out a scene. 'Emotional memory' is an important aspect of acting out a role well, we can tap into this by accessing scenes where that emotion took place. Doing this can enable us to act the part so convincingly that nobody can tell the difference between acting and reality.

Anyway enough of the boring acting analysis for today, I hope everyone had a fun day today!

If anyone has an insight into acting I would love for them to share it with me!

Also , the pictures I took are in the photography slideshow above my posts   ^ take a peek.

Ciao guys!

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Thursday 15th December 2011

Well , I got off my backside today and went to the local zoo.

I actually enjoyed myself , got to take lots of pictures and had opportunity to get some good old fresh air, which is clearly taken for granted now a days.
But the air in the north of England is so fresh compared to the murky infested city air.

A touch of remorse ran through me as I saw some animals caged, even though I know they are cared for on a daily basis. I suppose I'm lucky to have so much freedom and the will to do as I please.

A smile ran on my face the whole day which is unusual for me now a days. Lots of things to get me down including no money! Which is the worry of most of the population now a days!

But it's Christmas and I want to be able to buy people presents. Even though the commercialism of the Holiday season has blown way out of proportion. I would rather buy people what they need now a days, even though I would love to indulge people in un-needed , wanted gifts.

My mind still dawdles between decisions that need to be made, and tasks that need to be completed, but for now as most people say:    

                                                          " Ignorance is bliss" !

 Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, 14 December 2011


Also to keep my mind off things I have started photography with my new camera.
I will post pictures up tell me what your thoughts are !

I like taking pictures of animals as you will notice.

Ciao guys.

Wednesday 14th of december

I haven't written in quite some time due to my head being all over the place.

I am currently back in Barrow for the time being due to London stresses and also family stresses.
Being in this gap year is hard... Too much time to think which causes too much time to dishearten my dreams and put myself into a state of depression. Which unfortunately has happened.

I am amongst the thousands of people on 'Anti-depressants' and I'm not ashamed to tell people this, whether the medication is a placebo who knows? But at this moment in time the doctors believe its the best medicine for my 'condition'.

Practising my monologues is hard to do , finding the motivation to get myself out of bed is hard enough...
But I believe if I put that effort into it I can become an excellent actress. I have the ambition somewhere and my personality will get me through one way or another.

Basically what I am trying to say is that depression is a major draw back on life and on everything happening around you but somehow, whatever helps you get out of this, you need to find it and fast enough for things to happen to you, good things, excellent things.
I am yet to find that but hopefully keeping in touch with the outside world via this blog will help my stability and get my routine of life back!

Comment if you have ever had problems of depression and have any tips !


Wednesday, 26 October 2011

The 26th of October 2011

Two days after my 19th birthday and things look just as bleak as the day before.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself...
I'm 19 and currently living in London, I say currently because I have recently moved here with my mother and sister to pursue the 'Ideal' career, which changed from opera singer to actress within the short few weeks I was here.
My mother and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but as i'm told that is the norm between mother and daughter! Too alike i've been told.... we'll see.
Anyway, my day consisted of a trip to Highgate Woods with my current boyfriend of 2 months who lives in my old location hundreds of miles away. But he came to London for 2 weeks.
We sat and ate whilst gazing at the high tree tops and fallen leaves whilst I pulled a classic poetry collection book from my bag, I tell myself I'm a silly romantic and a misleading intellectual because I hardly ever read poetry, though I read many fictional books.
But I suppose their is no test for intellect... only intelligence and memory storage, exams.. what a royal pain in the arse.
We walk along through the forest and have a revelation, we do not need to be restricted to High gate why don't we make a speedy irrational decision to go to the Natural History Museum ... exciting! 
We took the exciting journey of getting there, having a few mishaps and wrong turns. But when we get their a cue a mile long greeted us. I forgot the children were off school, bugger.
When the eventuality of the doors reached us the initially amazement wore off in under a second and we were left with the chaos and screaming that lay within. And then the long sweaty tiring journey home.
I suppose the moral of this little story is that the ideal did not match with reality AS USUAL!

Off to bed I'm exhausted...  Ciao Bella