Motivation

It has just dawned on me that my long term goals have been pushed aside these last few months. And to be honest I can't afford to be doing that. If I want to get into drama school, which I do! Then I need to get practising and learning my monologues, I need to be perfection... I need to be more than perfection.
Impossible? most probably.

But having this full-time job and a part-time job is tiring me out. Draining me.
And the saddest thing is I have absolutely no money to show for it... ridiculous

Also as I'm going to university this year that is on my mind. I'm scared I am going to waste a year there, on the other hand I don't want to be working a full-time job all year whilst trying to do some training which I won't have the time for/be able to afford. A vicious circle. Frustrating to say the least!

My motivation (sticking to the title) has gone out of the window. Each year I have changed my career path and this has led me to not fully knowing what I want.
I'm not the worst academic and I am quite creative at the same time, and so this leaves me in a mess.
Obviously I prefer the creative side to me, but this requires dedication and commitment which I am lacking. Most people have one side of their brain active and the other one barely gets used. I am within the minute population who uses both sides equally. I think logically, but when I need to I go to the other side where I act and write and sing.

At the moment I'm trying to make myself feel better by saying that I am doing things little by little to encourage myself into full blown commitment.

I have started the gym, which will hopefully get me fit/toned/slim and give me more confidence to know I have a chance in the acting world.

I try and blog as often as possible, but now a days that isn't that much.

I have been waking up earlier even on my days off which gives me a more positive feeling in the mornings.

                    I think most of all, having nothing to look forward too is killing me.

I don't have any money to plan a trip/book an acting course/book a holiday or even treat myself to some new jeans (which I am in need of).

All in all, my balance is off set to negative rather than positive at the moment, and I am trying my best to get and stay positive.




If you have any tips on staying positive and motivated. PLEASE, let me know! haha

Rant over.

Actually been busy!

The fact is for once I have actually been busy...

Shocking I know!

I have started training for my new job at (anon) a big place in which I can't mention the name of.
So far its been very draining and most of the time boring.

Waking up early to get dressed, walk to the tube, travel on the tube and walking time at the end of the journey means my hour of awakening has been ungodly and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
I have been going to bed especially early but this hasn't really helped my case.
So drained all the time.

On top of that I still have the night job of a weekend so that means my weekend nights are taken up, I thought I would be able to quit this job following my recent day employment but the fact is I don't get paid until the 31st of July from my main job, which is ridiculous. Also I am not working during most of July which means I would have had 0 income if not for a second job. Just my luck.

So at the moment I'm living off a pathetic amount which most of is going on travel into the city centre almost everyday.

So I am broke.
Money is the route of all depression. Well mine anyway.

I would say on a lighter note....but there is nothing.
Oh wait, maybe..

I have made a few friends whilst training, which I am glad of, means I'm not a complete social reject anymore. We will see if it lasts, but I hope so.

This year is going way to fast for my liking, I am thinking about starting university already and its only the end of June. It's complicated but basically my summer job runs over into when my university starting date is so I need to prove to them I have been accepted and the date of acceptance. Pain in the bum.
Hopefully new friends will be made at uni. too, fingers crossed.

Also the next auditions for drama schools will be coming up end of this year which I need to be prepared for. I have started looking at monologues, I think I'm going for a comedic approach to my chosen monologue this year, I think it suits me better...ha. I have been reading a book of monologues and duologue's by Victoria Wood which has a couple of gems in!

This money business is just the bain of  my life at the moment, I need a new bag as I have 2 in my possession and neither one is practical, ridiculous.
I still have a positive outlook that this is just my low time and that it will pick up in no time...
One day I will have enough money to be comfortable if not above that.

Joined the gym = get an actresses body (the dream)

Hopefully I will blog sooner this time but who knows! and may even be more interesting...

P.s If anyone would like to give me money they are more than welcome!!

Goodnight and Goodbye!

It has been a while..take 2

As you can see I haven't blogged in some time...

But it means more to write about ? we will see ha.

Where to start...

Well I think the last time I blogged was just before I went back to my home town for a week..
It started with a long coach trip to Preston which took about 6 hours, which wasn't too bad actually seeing as though I get travel sick. Got picked up from Preston by my boyfriends brother.

That night we went for a few drinks with a couple of my boyfriends friends (the ones that aren't total dicks) and had a nice night. Next night involved another night out which started out feeble and ended up being a really good night thanks to some great people! The only thing that let it down was my lack of money at the time. But we managed, just.

My drunk boyfriend  and Ross!

The rest of the week consisted of a trip to Coniston/lots of bad food/Birthday dinners/Visit to my Grandad/Multiple gaming nights/A drive to the coast road and not much else. But overall not as bad as I thought the trip was going to be.

You'd think I would go into more detail, but no...*series of montages*

We drove back to London the following Friday and I was really glad to be going back! My home town has nothing to offer me any more, my Grandad is the only reason I would visit at all. It's so sad but unfortunately its true. When you move to somewhere that has everything including your family and boyfriend what more is needed? Apart from good friends which I lack. But hopefully that will all change when I venture into university world.

As soon as we got back the weather seemed to perk up which cheered me up profusely!
We chilled for the next two days as I work at night until 4am so energy lacks during the days. However one of my boyfriends friends was down in London so we woke up early on the Sunday and went into Camden market.
It was a really nice relaxed day. Had a browse around the market and then grabbed some

BANG BANG CHICKEN

from a little place on the corner... they sold that bang bang chicken. Sold it well.
If you've ever been to Camden I'm sure you know what I am on about ha!
Anyway said our goodbyes and were on our way.

Then as the nice weather has progressed I think I've been out everyday!
Just to local places really like; Muswell Hill/Wood Green/Alexander palace

We have been a bit out of the way, the other day we went to Kensington Gardens which was really nice! Never been there before, but it had everything, Fountains/Grass/Trees/Play-park/Cafe. It was a beautiful day out and we took my sister too and I think she had a great time too!

Here's some pics from the day;

The fountains+My sister

Boyfriend+Sister!

Me on a giant ship!

Today however we went to see Men In Black 3!
Really good film, I actually wasn't expecting much, but it was really cleverly done and apparently hurt my boyfriends head because of all the time travelling haha!

On a more personal note I dyed my hair back to a normal colour and it is now dark brown again, hooray.
I don't like my hair blonde I have finally decided.

Getting my shit together, exercise is back and bad food is out, felt so stodgy after that week at my home town. So jogging is back and it feels good!

Getting my tan on, but my skin doesn't seem to like to tan. We will see.

Got a training day for Buckingham Palace which is on the 12th of June, lots of paperwork was sent off for that again...
And my Grade 5 theory is coming up and I need to crack on and practice.

Special mention to this guy;

Nice one Steeley

For making us welcome and wanting to spend his precious time with me and my boyfriend in my home town ;)

FANKS DOOD

Well I want to be writing more again so lets see how long it takes for me to write again!

CIAO BAMBINOS!

A busy life

Is what I'm wishing for right now...

I will probably regret this knowing me.
 Having a slow life, not doing anything everyday, I don't know how people cope with it. I know I don't do NOTHING but it's more draining being lazy for me.

It makes you more prone to doing 'the wrong things', like;

•  Eat because your just bored...It's something to do.
•  Over think your life's direction and where you think you're going.
•  Get down over these two things.
•  Get fatter
• Worry about money

My theory anyway, I'm sure there are more things.

I've decided what I want to write about, It sounds so sad but I want to write about a dream I had. It had a very deep moral which I have never thought about before.

But being alone all your life and up until you die must be such a horrible feeling, and someone taking the time just to talk to you or give you a smile might make your day and make that horrible loneliness disappear...and might even stop you from giving up on yourself and the world.

I wrote this the other day when I thought humanity might have had hope...
Some still do, but others don't. So much hatred in this world for no reason at all, why? what's calling people names and accusing them of things going to achieve but hurt and embarrassment on both ends.

If you know me personally you will know what I'm talking about, and I am sick to death of the situation. I don't live in my home town any more but that's where the problems seem to lie.
And lets face it, I am so glad I'm out of there and with the person I want to be with. Let them live there small town lives and let there only joy come from insulting other people....


Rant over- for now

Stay tuned for some extracts from the story I'm going to write...eventually!

and however cheesy this sounds-

Do not dwell in the past. 

lol

I Ponder

Yet again my mind is drifting in and out of ideas I want to do...

I might set myself some targets of things I'd love to do, and ACTUALLY do them!

1. Go travelling. I don't care where, how, just do it. 
2. Write a novel
3. Get into drama school
4. Get my voice into good shape
5. Get famous/ recognised

Too much to ask? NEVER.

I know it's a great honour to be selected to work at Buckingham Palace over the summer, but that is all my summer gone in a flash. I will be working 9-5 everyday, in retail, which is boring...
The only upside is I can save some money up.

This life thing is such a vicious circle. You work, you save, you work, got no time off to go on holiday/travelling, you're at uni, no time, no money! argh.

Its such a depressing cycle, no wonder 1 in 10 people are depressed. Especially women apparently!

So much to see in the world, but most people spend their lives in England, working, striving for a career which in turn makes them anxious and stressed 24/7. Worrying about money/work. Worrying about the future and where their lives are heading...if anywhere. But hardly anyone makes that change, takes a chance at life. Unfortunately things might not turn out the way you wanted but that is LIFE. Why sit around miserable all your life, go for that top goal! If you fail, you try again...
It's a message I should be telling myself over and over again, but it is hard, it strains every part of your life. Health/financial/loved ones, but it will all be worth it... won't it?

The hardest part of anything will always be the first step, making the change and sticking to it.

Everything now a days is money, its so sad. Money can't buy you happiness? but it can come pretty darn close...


No time to dwell on what could of been, think of what COULD be.

Think of where your life is heading, is it the direction you want? or could you be doing more...
I know I could. And to be fair I really need to start taking my own advice, like most people, they can dish it out but usually don't take it.

Well that's made me feel a little better about things and definitely more positive towards my goals.

First step for you might be to write a blog! It feels like you're doing something to help.

However sad and lonely that sounds.

Just remember...

Nothings impossible.

LOL

Bad week

As you can tell from the title my week hasn't gone to swell so far...

Hair

It's been raining all of the week which is a constant downer, so Monday and Tuesday were dossing  days, Tuesday I decided to get back into my work-out video. Which was an amazing idea at the time and I felt awesome after it.. However, I woke up Wednesday morning in some considerable pain, mostly in my legs ! Not good.

I had also booked a hair appointment for the same day in which I wanted a big change for the summer, I wanted to get rid of the black and go a blonde/brown colour. And so I know I was going to have to pay a lot for this, but I wanted it done right.

Went there, was going smoothly, obviously I had the bright orange stage but they toned it down. I was there for about 3-4 hours. I was hoping for the best as everyone had such a positive attitude saying it was all going so well...
Anyway it got to the point of drying and cutting. The colour looked an okay colour wet. But slowly as it dried it became a straw blonde/ gingery blonde. Had my hair cut shorter again into a bob which I wasn't bothered about, I'm used to short hair. But I was not used to the colour. I then paid the £175 fee and left. At first when I left the salon I was okay with it. But then my boyfriend commented saying it was ginger. That was the first step. Then my sister commented in the morning saying the same thing, and then my mother. I then became overwhelmed with anguish. I started crying and having a fit, I hated the colour so much! How can someone charge £175 for that mess?!

I went into Wood Green and decided I need a toner. I didn't even want to step out the door it was that bad. I got the toner and went straight home. Did the toner and well... it's a little bit better. Little less ginger. But still a horrible colour. So more dye will have to be used tomorrow.

I want to go back to the salon and complain. But all I will get is " we told you it would turn out a different colour" or "It was the best we could do, you did have dark hair.."  I can't be bothered arguing with people, but in the future I will self colour. I don't care what anybody says about 'professional', If I screw my own hair up its free!!

Also my legs still hurt....Boo Hiss.

On the upside I made pizza from scratch this week! Dough and all! It was some tasty shit.

Home-made pizza!

Also went to a local quiz night at o'neills, we didn't do too bad, only because there was a Disney music round which I aced! haha, and we had Eton mess, I thought it was going to be small so I ordered two! 

Eton Mess!

So apart from my hair being destroyed not too bad. But my hair is pretty important to me... as any girls is!

Oh and one more thing, I got rejected by Central School of Speech and Drama finally. So I guess its Kingston university this year! 

More again soon I hope, we will see what goes on, hopefully nicer hair! 

G'night!

A state of depression hits again...

I said I would write everyday, but I've realised one there is nothing to write about and two I'm in a state of energy loss and loss of brain functionality...

Uh Oh. 

This is one of the states that is hard to get out of, as there is a viscous circle.
Still trying to eat healthy which is causing some lack of energy..

Anyway, I need to get this 'career' moving. I was recommended to go on an audition technique course because I was rejected from RADA and LAMDA but I am not willing to pay £700 for a 2 week course, however much its going to help my career.
So I found a cheaper version for just one week at Mountview which is a school everyone seems to be raving about to me. So applications next year might have to expand to other schools.
Still £275 but when I hopefully hear from Buckingham Palace that my security check has gone through I will be starting full time work in June.Which will help with the cost of course.
Start saving a bit of money for courses and auditions etc.

I HAVE to start singing again which I still haven't brought myself to do, but hopefully one day I will just want to start again. I hate having to start over, my voice is weak because I haven't used it but if I don't again it won't get any better! CIRCLES !

I need a few amazing monologues that I enjoy reading and I can relate with. Finding it HARD. If you have any suggestions feel free......

 I don't know how people bring themselves to do things everyday on a routine, maybe when you are busy all day, but then you are still tired after your day at work. Who knows.

Well I'm waffling now so I best go and do something productive? Jokes.

Here is a picture that just cheered me up !

Goodnight!